Weeks in Review: Questionable
/* What */
- Productivity: I returned to doing anything, at least. I haven't done quite enough, in my opinion, but it's getting better.
- Mental Health: The meds haven't settled in yet, and I have increased problems with sleeping and with anxiety, but let's see if that won't lift soon.
Let's keep it at that until it gets more interesting.
Weeks in Review: Anxious
/* Tis but the beginning. */
- Editors Note: This week should be the last one that isn't covering any progress that isn't mental health and personal.
- Mental Health: Turns out my mental health issues are mostly related to generalized anxiety. My therapist suspected a deeper seated anxiety in me. And I'm starting Zoloft now. That's around all I have for you this week, there just has been a lot of introspective and reflection.
Recovering from being so scared last week, too.
Weeks in Review: Adrift
/* I thought that maybe if everything stays the same, nothing has to change. But everything is changing. */
- Mental Health: I don't know when, but at some point between my amazing vacation and me quitting my job I lost myself. I lost Praxis. I felt like I was in a great place, and I felt that I was getting better by the day, but in reality? I withdrew more and more. I lost more and more of myself, bit by bit. This cummulated in the end of my two year relationship. The relationship was honestly unhealthily dependent, I needed him to feel good about myself, to believe in myself, but now I notice: There is nothing right now I could even believe in. There is no me in here. And that changes, now.
- Me: I've taken great and scary steps towards... being more. I talked openly to friends, and I plan to open up to more friends. And I am terrified. And I am petrified. And I am... doing things. Looking back, this is what Praxis was about. This is what this whole damn blog was about. I've tried and I've started to do things just for the sake of doing them. And with some luck, I can keep it up. And with some luck, I will feel better soon.
- Commitment: Fun time is over. I need to use this blog more reliably. I need to not just update it because I don't feel like it. I need to do it because it's what I do. This blog is supposed to be part of me. I need to make it part of me.
- Relationship: I'm not even sad that it ended. Don't get me wrong, I definetly was. I broke down, even. But I understand at this point, that the way we were together was hurting us, and I was too scared to face that reality. Too scared to address the elephant in the room. I remember telling him that I was scared therapy would mean I would learn to no longer depend on him. It sounded sweet in my head, even. I remember him telling me that we wouldn't break up because he also depended on me. We were codependent. My only regret is being in denial for so long, part of me always kind of knew. I never even told my therapist about him, neither did I ever even mention him proper in this blog.
- Therapy: She's been on vacation for a while now. Our next session is next Thursday, and I am looking forward to it, looking forward to finally address what I think is actually wrong with me. And then we'll see what's next.
I honestly can't believe how scared I am.
Weeks in Review: Gaining Speed
/* At least we're getting things done sometimes */
- CODE: I'm now in full preparation mode of the exam period, which will be 3 exams for me, personally. One about Graphics Interfaces, one about Clean Code (which I have a hold of theoretically, but I gotta show something, so I am reworking an old bot of mine with sensible design this time). And one simple being "Algorithms and Data Structure", in which I just need to be able to implement well known sort and search algorithms. It's not necessarily hard, but it still takes time to prepare.
- Job: My job is developing fine so far, the stack I am working on is horrible though, and we plan to change that. It's a bit exhausting working with a horrible code base...
- Health: I actually adjusted my diet since the last log, I am living off healthier food now, let's see if there is some sort of long-term effect :3
- Super Animal Royale: The game I have discovered only yesterday, found here, is fun and easy to pick up. It's a neat little game and I love it.
- Politics: So I am informing myself a little bit about german parties at the time, and also starting to become more engaged at CODE. I got the support of my mentor for awareness campaigns I'm planning.
- Game Making: Didn't really have the time to do anything here, but I'll forcefully keep this on my logs to remind me to do more!
Well, I failed at making this a weekly thing, it seems. Well, let's just keep going.
"Week" in Review? Catching up
/* We find outselves two months later, huh? */
- State of this Blog: Okay there is no way around this. This is my first entry for two months!!! This is mostly because I was going through a lot by quitting my job and looking for a new one. It was a very taxing time, and I am glad it's over.
- Mental Health: But speaking of which, let me lose a few words about how I've felt the last two months. The month of March was terrible for me. Feburary less so, that was only stressful. However, my therapist and I decided to cut the therapy to be biweekly instead of each week. And I am figuring a lot of things out about myself.
- CODE: My studies have gone to hell and back, honestly. The group that came together and that I worked with slowly but certainly lost motivation and fell apart. This is the third CODE project in a row that was met with a fate that led to not having any proper result at the end of the project phase. It's disheartening, however, I will cope.
- Learnings: Particularly, while the group was still active, I learned a lot about the Vulkan API, mostly thanks to this wonderful tutorial. And now I've decided to use the time I would've spent on working on the project effectively, by working through a few books. Right now that's Refactoring: Improving The Design of Existing Code and Clean Architecture. They're both extremely well, and even though I'm not through them yet, I already recommend both!
- New Job: Okay, time to talk about my new job. First of all, I am no longer employed as a Working Student, but rather as a proper Software Engineer. This is great. I'm actually employed by my university (CODE) and work on the intranet now. That's currently Elixir, so not much changes there. It's been great so far!
- Wandersong: Late last month I also played the wonderful game Wandersong. And it's just fantastic and I love it. It's been growing on me even more since I got through it.
- Health: Now for some bad news. I've been working towards solving a few of my health issues, one of them being bad sleep quality. Turns out I 99% suffer from Sleep Apnea. I'm saying 99% because I've always suspected it, I was also told so by Jasper during my time in the US, and have done more research into it recently, and it just adds up. I got an appointment in the middle of May to look into it further, but until then I'll have to deal with it. That's alright, I've dealt with this for most of my life.
- Politics: I've considered starting a political Youtube channel. But that's a lot of work. But I also think I'd enjoy it somewhat. I'll continue to think about that.
- Game Making: I started formulating a few proper ideas for a side project on my own. The hardest part is trying to keep the scope small. I'll tell you more once I got more concrete things to tell you.
I'll try to make this a weekly thing again, but that'll take some discipline, let's see if I got that in me ;)
Week in Review: Be Happy
/* Life is for the living */
- Travel: So, I'm home. I'm a bit exhausted. I still feel the jetlag. It wasn't as bad as in San Francisco, but it was still really really bad. The discomfort is getting less by the day, I'm a fighter :3
- Mental Health: My base level happiness has greatly increased. My therapy said she noticed that during the session, too. Like, I am a mess right now, but I am a happier mess.
- Apartment: I've finally started decorating my apartment. I've been living there for 1.5 years, but this is the first time I've started living there. Put up a fursuit calendar, put up a few posters, hung a scarf, got a cat lamp. Thank you, Jasper :3
- CODE: My Co-worker and buddy has taken great care to accommodate me while I was gone. Taking care as to organize a group of students for a game making project, and I am very grateful about his efforts!
- Github Commits: I once set out to have a commit a day, that halted for my vacation. I've got around 3 blank weeks now. I am trying not to feel bad about that, and I'll try to pick up the slack. Go me!
It doesn't have to be hard, you just have to make an effort sometimes.
Week in Review: Further Confusion
/* Further Confusion leads to insight */
- Furry: So, Further Confusion happened. It was great. I met a bunch of cool folk, but I was still mostly reclusive and silent. That's okay, though.
- Mental Health: The reason I felt reclusive was mostly because of a huge ditch to self-worth. The people I met were more professional and adulter than I am. I am a web dev, aspiring game dev maybe. I do not feel comfortable talking about that because of Imposter Syndrome. I know that now. It's good knowledge. Thank you.
- USA: So, my time here is almost over, and I was mostly lazy. SO WORTH IT THOUGH. I really needed this break. I am low-key looking forward to actually doing something again though.
- Google: I'm sorry, I have really fallen out of love with Google. I really loved them at some point, now a mixture of me getting woke + their shitty practices of recent months makes me hate them.
I'll be home on Tuesday. Kinda sad, kinda good. Doesn't really matter if it's sad or good :)
Week in Review: Jetlagged
/* Jetlag is terrible */
Hey, this is going to be a prose entry again, since it's not like I've done a lot of focused work last week. I've been essentially sick, I underestimated jetlag and suffered the consequences. Jasper took good care of me, though. My travels have been great so far, seen a lot, will probably talk more about it next week???
Anyhow, currently I'm in the Hotel room at FC. I think I'll leave it at that and go and enjoy the con :3
Look up ways to reduce jetlag before traveling as far as I did!
Week in Review: Traveling
/* I'm exhausted, sweaty and tired, waiting at the airport */
- Travel: Like I wrote in my Year in Review 2018, I'm traveling to San Fransisco today to meet with Jasper & see the sights. I've ran into countless problems already, including cancelled flights, security descrapency and the like. I really hope it'll go smoother from here on out!
- Work: To travel, I've left work behind after a really productive week. Can't say I learned a lot of new things this week, but I applied a lot of things I had previously learned. So that's good!
- Games: I've played the Rusty Lake triology (?) from Steam recently. Neat little and sometimes disturbing games. Checkout out Rusty Lake Hotel, Rusty Lake: Roots and Rusty Lake Paradise!
- Reading: I must say, I think I've read the worst book I've ever read last week. Rework is a really bad book that makes a lot of claims without any explanation or proof, where you can get the same value from just reading the headlines and bulletpoints than you get from reading the text. I had such high hopes!
- GDQ: Games Done Quick 2019 is on, I've been watching it whenever I could.
Oh boy, next week I'll be writting this from San Francisco!
Year 2018 in Review
/* What a year that was... */
So this will be a little different. This is supposed to wrap up 2018 in a meaningful way, by listing all the big things that happened to me and leaving all the bad things behind. It'll still have the same format as the weekly ones, it'll just be way longer.
- Work: I can't believe I started working at my current company only last year. It was quite the ride. I recently met with my previous supervisors, who got fired not too long ago, and they had quite the stories to tell. The Berlin Start-up scene is more like Game of Thrones than I'd have thought.
- University: As I've been saying before, I study at CODE. 2018 contained two semesters, with two different projects, both of which failed horribly. The first one was supposed to be a social network which had the focus on social, but that never left concept stage as we just lost too much time to sickness and people from our project dropped out. The second project was with Porsche, and was equally horrible for me, partially because of a value conflict with Porsche, and partially because no one in our project chose this. It was a shitshow. But that's in the past now. My New Years resolution for CODE: I will stop doing stuff I don't want to do. My next project WILL be a game.
- Mental Health: 2018 was a big year for this, too. I finally taken action and got myself therapy, essentially thanks to one person, Jasper. Thank you, Jasper. 2019 will probably be the year in which I conclude therapy, here goes hoping!
- Game Making: I've lost focus of this everlasting dream of me because of... reasons? Anyhow, since November, I think, I've returned to at least actively entertaining the thought and learning small things. Been playing a lot with Godot and I hope I can push myself to keep working with it until something fun pops out of it!
- Games: Let's look at the other part of this. I played a lot of good games in 2018, although I am hard-pressed to come up with my favourite. TBH it probably gotta be Super Smash Bros Ultimate, but there are other contestants that were just as good. I will pay more attention to what I play in 2019, so that I may make a proper list!
- Furry: 2018 was the first year I visited Eurofurence. And it was great. I will do that again. As a matter of fact, I am going to be flying to San Francisco later this month, to both visit Jasper, as well as to attend FC. Oh, also my Hyena Agenda T-shirts just got delivered. I'm really starting to embrace that side of me.
- Politics: What a mixed bag. You had the US Midterms which left me on edge, but hopeful. Then, very recently, you had the Yellow Vests pop out of nowhere. Well, not really nowhere, but you get what I mean. I've also learned more and more theory and/or political interpretations. Shout-outs to Peter Coffin, HBomberguy, Jack Saint, ThoughtSlime and Curio. Let's make 2019 count!
That's all I can think of right now. I might add things later, but I probably won't. Happy New Year!