Praxis in Practice

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Praxis in Practice Praxis in Practice

Weeks in Review: Adrift

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/* I thought that maybe if everything stays the same, nothing has to change. But everything is changing. */

  • Mental Health: I don't know when, but at some point between my amazing vacation and me quitting my job I lost myself. I lost Praxis. I felt like I was in a great place, and I felt that I was getting better by the day, but in reality? I withdrew more and more. I lost more and more of myself, bit by bit. This cummulated in the end of my two year relationship. The relationship was honestly unhealthily dependent, I needed him to feel good about myself, to believe in myself, but now I notice: There is nothing right now I could even believe in. There is no me in here. And that changes, now.
  • Me: I've taken great and scary steps towards... being more. I talked openly to friends, and I plan to open up to more friends. And I am terrified. And I am petrified. And I am... doing things. Looking back, this is what Praxis was about. This is what this whole damn blog was about. I've tried and I've started to do things just for the sake of doing them. And with some luck, I can keep it up. And with some luck, I will feel better soon.
  • Commitment: Fun time is over. I need to use this blog more reliably. I need to not just update it because I don't feel like it. I need to do it because it's what I do. This blog is supposed to be part of me. I need to make it part of me.
  • Relationship: I'm not even sad that it ended. Don't get me wrong, I definetly was. I broke down, even. But I understand at this point, that the way we were together was hurting us, and I was too scared to face that reality. Too scared to address the elephant in the room. I remember telling him that I was scared therapy would mean I would learn to no longer depend on him. It sounded sweet in my head, even. I remember him telling me that we wouldn't break up because he also depended on me. We were codependent. My only regret is being in denial for so long, part of me always kind of knew. I never even told my therapist about him, neither did I ever even mention him proper in this blog.
  • Therapy: She's been on vacation for a while now. Our next session is next Thursday, and I am looking forward to it, looking forward to finally address what I think is actually wrong with me. And then we'll see what's next.

I honestly can't believe how scared I am.

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